•February 7, 2016 • Leave a Comment


I find writing long posts that make WordPress look full hard. My brain flits in and out. Usually I am either too up or down to focus.

I have moved on over to Medium. I can write in bits and bobs and feel like it all adds up to a complete picture instead of a series of posts.

My new blog. It will be updated!

(the new blog will contain more cats!)

Back to the Future Day: how it went wrong for me…

•October 24, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I feel alert. I am not sure where I am. I open my eyes.
*panic* Where am I, who am I?

That is how my day started. It gets worse from here.

There is a deep feeling inside that something has gone wrong and that I am in danger. I jump out of
bed and run around this strange flat looking for idea. I look in the mirror. A version of me is looking
back at me. Am I older, heavier? I am not sure.
Adrenaline courses through my veins, I am on full alert, my thoughts are racing. I am trapped
somewhere I don’t know, I don’t know who I am and I have a massive feeling of dread.

Somehow I remember Sylvia, my wife. I pick up the house phone, there are no numbers saved on it. I throw stuff around the living room looking for a phone. I am hyperventilating. Nothing. 

I grab the phone next to the bed in the dark bedroom. Nothing. I can’t focus my eyes.

Yellow. Flashing. A phone, under the bed. I call Sylvia in a panic.

That is the all I remember from the morning. I have small clips of the rest of the two days,
nothing concrete.

My wife has been kind enough to offer a timeline from her point of view…
8am Alarm went off
8.20am Called me home from work
8.25am I got home – much confusion and panic. Worried you had taken an overdose
9.20am Got to A&E
10.20am Went to Observation Ward – circling with same 5/6 questions until
3pm Your mum came. Still confused and panicky asking same questions.
5.20pm Your Dad came. Your mum and I went to check on pug and collect belongings.
7pm I came back and your parents left. You had begun making a bit more sense and remembering snippets.
10.10pm Charge Nurse sent me home. You were remembering more and more but still scared.
10.20am I got back to hospital and took you home.

Day 4 – Writing this

I have Transient Global Amnesia. I have some short term memory now. I can at least stop going round in circles with questions and fears. Then again how do you know how good your short term memory is when you simply forget?! I have lost the past few days, they won’t come back. I am currently rebuilding.

Why am I still here?

•May 31, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I want to feel the good things.

All I feel is the hurt.

2 Pills

•May 31, 2015 • Leave a Comment

Just Me, Nobody Else

Every night a reminder goes off on my phone at 8:30. Following that it will bleep every 5 minutes till I select the either the “take dose” option, the “postpone” option, or the “skip dose” option.

Tonight I chose the “skip” option.

Big big mistake! I can see the sky becoming lighter. I have led here all night wide-a-fucking-wake. I have seen things from horror movies in front of my own eyes, I’ve heard every single creak in the house, I’ve convinced myself someone is shining a flash light through my window, and can see me through the curtains, every time I close my eyes. Voices louder and louder, anxiety that there’s a danger, a danger to others, to my daughter. My heart is pounding, I’m thirsty and my stomach is making a real racket. I’m scratching, as my whole body feels like there are insects crawling all over…

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Duty of Care set to minimum.

•May 27, 2015 • Leave a Comment

So I had my appointment with my psych. Or so I thought. I have been punted to yet another doctor. It must be in double figures now. I am doing OK for what I have. Over 10 years without much happening. Not much happening is very much a relative term. If you are doing OK, you don’t get seen to properly anymore. I now have a junior doctor. I will get attention if I get ill. Fair enough you might think. It is very destructive of I get ill. My life needs to be repaired. A lot of the time things are done that can’t be fixed. I will just myself and others. I fear that a lot of what I have now can be lost in a bad episode. This will not be reflected in any healthcare metrics or stats. For now I am OK. For now. Others however will be a lot worse off. Quite often change in mental health needs a lot of things to go wrong, badly.

Those fucking meds.

•March 28, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I have been thinking about giving up my meds. I feel there is too much of me missing. I am dulled, slowed and less me. Sure I realise you trade in some traits for stability. I think the stability gives me such a narrow band of kind of happy all the way to kind of sad. That is not a great scale of emotion. I feel removed from everything I experience. I cannot emote to serious things in my life. I merely pretend. Granted, I may lose it all and go high or low. It is also true that I don’t have any support from the NHS. I think aiming for a life properly lived shouldn’t be denied to me.

Having said that, the journey back from a fall is hard. It gets harder each time as it is another failure. Another thing reminding me of what I don’t have or can’t have.

Trying is better than accepting 2nd best.

Up, Up and stable-ish.

•March 5, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I haven’t written anything really in this blog for quite a while. I didn’t intend for this to be all about what is going wrong. Well I do have bipolar and other things, what’s great about that? Nothing really. Well nothing really when I am on meds. I lose all the positives on meds and not all of the negatives. There I go again, being all gloomy! Right now I am doing ok. I have mild highs, where I do and say things that are maybe a bit extreme. Nothing over the top and nothing anywhere near a section! I get some low times, again these are mild and don’t last. I do have to say I have a complaint that isn’t uncommon with those on Lithium. I am mostly flat. This can alienate me from other people as I am not always able to join in with event that require me, the robot, to emote. As bad as I was, this is a massive improvement. I have tried to kill myself loads of times. I have given up having any happiness many, many times. I am getting better. Every day is hard work but it is possible. If you have mental health issues, there is often a chance for more. My life isn’t what a young hopeful me had in mind. Any talent I may or may not have has been smothered by wild mood swings, psychotic episodes and more. I now live in a narrow band of ups and downs. I can work on more than just coping now. The only positive thing I can think this has given me the ability to think about eveything in my life. I have had to, it was the only way to work out who I was and where I wanted to go. I have no answers, just don’t give up. Think. When you can’t think do what you can to feel just a bit better. Possibly most difficult of all learn to trust. Also don’t trust everyone! Be selective, that includes doctors, sadly.